Growing up as as asexual person in a sexual world has caused me to feel all sorts of emotions- isolation, alienation, overwhelming pressure, self hatred, doubt, liberation, freedom, strength, independence and it comes and goes in waves.
I went to an all girls' school and none of my friends were 'boy mad' but one by one they all started getting interested in boys, dating, sex and I just stayed at a standstill, bemused but not giving it much thought.
There were so many signs that I was asexual but I didn't have the words for it. There was no one around that I could look up to or that I could share my feelings with who felt the same. I never understood sexual innuendos because my brain is not programmed that way. When I was 16 and working in Sainsburys a colleague commented on how Susan Boyle had never been kissed or had a boyfriend. In the back of my mind I thought to myself 'I'm going to be another Susan Boyle.' I did force myself to kiss a few random boys in clubs but 'force' wasn't the word that everyone else was using about kissing- another sign that I was different.
I remained happily single and unattached, never once wanting a boyfriend or feeling like I was missing out. I didn't compare myself to friends. I was completely happy to be on my own.
But as I got older the panic started to set in. I STILL wasn't having any feelings towards the opposite sex and I was terrified. I couldn't relate to anyone around me. That sparked a lot of inner conflict because I knew I 'should' be a certain way but I just wasn't. I didn't 'respect myself' and I wasn't 'waiting for the right person.' I just had absolutely no idea what it was like to fancy anyone or feel attraction.
I'm constantly seeing messages every day reminding me that I'm not 'normal' and it can get suffocating, so sometimes I get really withdrawn and zone out. It wasn't until I was 21 that I found out that my feelings had a name... asexuality. Up until that point I had been in denial. I tried to block everything out by pushing it to the back of my mind. But this made me not a nice person at times. I would be snappy and impatient, sometimes snide and sarcastic, defensive and rude. I'm sorry to all those people affected.
Keeping my consuming thoughts bottled up was not the answer. I had major depression at 21. I think this was because my revelation about my sexuality was bittersweet. I was so happy to have found that there was a name for me and others that felt the same- reading people's posts on Aven (The Asexuality Visibility And Education Network) was a godsend and I am thrilled to be alive at a time that the internet can connect you to others with shared experiences. There are two types of asexuals- romantic asexuals which are people who want romantic relationships but don't feel sexual attraction, and aromantic asexuals (like myself). I don't feel romantic or sexual attraction to others. In society, I am screwed- metaphorically speaking of course..
It was a lot to take in. I knew that my sexuality wasn't changing. I'd never have a 'normal' life that we are conditioned to believe from a young age. I had to have a grieving process. This may sound so dramatic but it did feel like a loss.
I also hated myself for not being like everyone else. I felt like I was lacking something and it made me feel inferior, broken and defective. I lost 2 stone (it's all back now) and stayed in bed for weeks in my skanky dressing gown, relying on anti depressants.
When I got depression for the third time I knew I had to have counselling. I couldn't carry on living live this. I couldn't keep putting a dampner on outings out, subjecting my poor housemate to listen to more asexuality videos and articles when she just wanted to chill out and relax. I couldn't keep burdening my wonderfully amazing and supportive friends and family because they didn't deserve it.
Jane told me that I'm struggling because I want people to know my identity. It is a big part of who I am and it has completely shaped my entire life, but I'm scared of the repercussions. This is very true and her advice was for me to write it all down and put it out there which is what I have done. I feel a little vulnerable at the moment because I'm worried about the backlash, and the reactions and the comments I may get.
But I know I will get to a point where I find the inner strength to be proud and confident and brave enough to tell people that I'm asexual and I'm OK. I can't follow society's expectations of me because I am not heterosexual. Ticking it in forms always made me feel like a fraud.
I am so incredibly blessed to have the people that I do have that keep my world a fabulous place to live in. They are my rock and I put them through so much. I am eternally grateful for their advice, guidance and patience.
Jane asked me where I see myself in the future and I honestly don't know. I want to be happy and carefree and 100 per cent honest about who I am- even if it is sometimes challenging and uncomfortable and hard to talk about. One thing I do know is that hiding your true self is emotionally distressing and I don't want to do it anymore.
I have had two sessions now and have four more to go. I am already feeling a bit more optimistic about what is ahead. I'd love to see a day where schools can mention asexuality in sex education classes. Where they can teach that most people will like boys or girls or both, but a small minority won't like either and it is real and valid.
Jane thinks that one day I will be able to give talks about asexuality like my hero David Jay. He has learnt to embrace that part of him and is my inspiration. I'm really not so sure about that but I guess we'll have to wait and see what opportunities may come my way.
